- Zelda Eternity
Hey, ZE Readers! Happy Commercialized Romance/Bitter Single People day. Are you on our forums? Heh heh heh… Heh heh heh heh heh… You may ask yourself “Oh god, why is he laughing like that? It’s freaking me out.” Well, good, it should. Why? Because, unbeknown to you, once you’re on our forums, you’re immediately considered for a relationship with another one of our forum/staff members by the more sexually-repressed end of the Content Writers on-hand (myself included). I figured now is as good a time as any to come out and tell you guys just who we’ve been paring you with. Joining me to help do this is the only other Content Writer on staff that doesn’t hate Valentine’s Day. Say hello to Skalla!
Skalla: “Hey, everyone. I’ll have you know that I have extensive research credentials in this field of study. Every word out of my mouth (fingers?) can be backed up with solid evidence. And remember that forum shipping is serious. effing. business.”
So, I hope you’re ready for things to get awkward all up in here, because whenever we ship two people together, gender, status, and sexuality don’t play a role. That’s right, no one is safe. So, sit back, relax, and prepare yourself for an onslaught of sexual tension between our forum members!
SpaghettiWeegee: “Personally, I’m a fan of HorseShoexthe8bitMoon, as those two are absolutely meant for each other. You should hear the way 8bit swoons for the beauty of our Horse Footwear-themed Content Writer; it’s as if he’s been induced into a state of ultimate bliss. I also like Double Rainbow (Formerly FierceDiety)xMajora’s Cat. Have you ever seen a cuter paring of semi-trolls? I haven’t. Double RainbowxElias (formerly MetroidMaster1914) is another one of my favorite shipments, however, that conflicts with the paring I mentioned above, making me feel very conflicted. Both of the shipments have gratuitous amounts of evidence, making determining which one can be confirmed as “canon” quite a conundrum. FalcoxMacbook5, however, is one of the few shipments that has blatantly obvious proof: look at them. The two met while working at the firm Fail-co, and have been thicker than thieves ever since. It’s love, I tell you! One of our newer members, PotassiumIodide, has developed quite a few parings of her own, including, but not limited to, PotassiumIodidexElias, PotassiumIodidexDouble Rainbow, PotassiumIodidexNathanZE, and PotassiumIodidexTaBoxman. Speaking of TaBoxman, talk about your playas. This guy’s got all the girls falling at his feet, practically 24/7, and rightfully so: he’s one heck of a smooth operator. As far as my favorite crack shipments go, I like Axle the BeastxFalcool and PhantomxiamtheFusedShadows.”
“I only feel as if I’ve scratched the surface of the forumshipping scene, as there’s so much more to be said about it and the many intricacies and subtle flourishes of budding relationships between two extremely nerdy people. I haven’t even brought up FalcoolxMike, Diabloxbigflyingpotato, macbook5ximmortalluna, or SpaghettiWeegeexHisRightHa–.. Maybe that one’s better left undisclosed… Regardless, there are so many more parings to be found here on our forums, and for those of you I didn’t mention, it’s not because I don’t like you, in fact, I love you. All of you are immediately shipped with me. That’s right. YouxSpaghettiWeegee. How does that make you feel? Warm and cozy on the inside? Violated over the internet? Either way, my job has been successful.”
Skalla: “Nothing quite like Valentine’s Day to set the mind on a crucial, life-or-death journey deep into the most serious business of forum institutions: shipping. Let it be known that I am not just talking about silly little crushes or late-night, innocuous flirt sessions with virtual beaux. No, no, you understand, the shipping pairs I’m about to unveil are supported by metaphorical mountains of carefully culled evidence. First on my expansive list is immeasurably popular among certain circles of the forum community: Horseshoexthe8bitMoon. It’s a fact only they attempt to deny. The moment they set foot in the same forum, sparks flew, much to the pyromaniac Horseshoe’s delight. By contrast, an untrained, amateur eye may not see the subtle signs that affirm one of the pairs I hold dearest: EliasxDouble Rainbow. It’s in the certain tender gesture shared when Double Rainbow lovingly and painstakingly crafted a beautiful signature for the Metroid-obsessed object of his affections.”
“Enough of the more dire romantic tangles. It’s time to get a little silly, with some of my favorite crack shipments. I’m quite fond of TaBoxmanxkram1032, as well as other convincing TaBoxships such as TaBoxmanxPotassiumIodide and TaboxmanxTHE ENTIRE FEMALE DEMOGRAPHIC OF THE FORUM. Can’t forget to mention NathanZExSpaghettiWeegee or macbook5xFalcool. You see, all love needs is one miniscule unifying interest (such as puns or Metroid) to thrive! … Of course, this means that the (entirety of the forum)x(the entirety of the forum), based on the assumption that we all have a common love for Zelda. Spread the love, everyone! Deep down, you all have an interest that binds you to each other! Kindle the love between you and your fellow forumers! Never spend another Valentine’s Day alone! After all, you don’t want to end up like bitter ol’ Skalla.”